how to save a life ??

I feel tired with what have been happening this recent weeks. I don't know. I just dont feel it right. something wrong or something missed --I just can't found the difference between 'em-- happened unconsciously. Yeaa, I'm talk about everything that've been surrounding me, friends - boyfriend - parents - siblings - pedestrians - the user of trans jakarta bus and everyone, it was unexceptable.

I'm totally sick of this maze, or should I say it trouble ?? I think it could be yes, because I got trouble in my own life.

Friends : I just don't have any besties now. Because I don't know, when would they're becoming a TRUE friends and when they're taking their masks and turn into a FAKE friends. No, no I don't mean to have a negative thinking about friends, but I'm serious, I just scared being cheated by someone - which - I - call - him/her/them - friends. I've been there before, and it did hurt. They always spending time with me, going wild together, laughing out with me, but at the time when I face a problem, voila! they're absolutely gone.!! they just left me here alone with having no idea how to deal with this problem, when I need someone to rely on, when I need someone to share with, I just lose them.

it was sounds like a lyric of The Fray's song :
where did I go wrong I lost a friend
somewhere along in the bitterness
and I would have stayed up with you all night
had I known how to save a life ??

So now I pretend myself not to get along too close with someone as my besties. I'll make friendship with everyone, well, I always do that, but I mean, umm.. for now, I'm in an open friendship and I'm not in a good mood for having a close friends. I'm open with you, whether you are a true friends as yoursefls say or a fake friends.

Boyfriend : I still cant get the feel with him. I can't fit his rythm. he isn't my type too much. he wasn't what I wanted what I thought, NO. he wouldn't even open up the door. he isn't really what I'm looking for because he never made me feel like I was special, cause I was special. lol.
Well, it could be my fault because, I always comparing him with my ex. they're extremely different!!

Parents : They just never trust me. (full stop) That is the best sentence how I feel for them.

Siblings : Are they care of me ?? am I important for them ??. I lost them too these recent weeks. They just too busy to get along with me. Everyone had their own business. but hey, are they really that busy so they dont even have a space time to call me ? at least to say 'hi' to me ??. well, hell yeaahh, because everyone have their own business.






am I too selfish to write this post ??